Just downloaded WordPress for my phone. With my website in my pocket, I might update sometimes. Rather than never. Meh.

PIXELS by PATRICK JEAN.
Uploaded by onemoreprod. – Independent web videos.

testing my new post… schtuff.

gray shallow skies
uneven lines of cloud
into distant horizon
and out of view

it hurts
sharp wind piercing
through layers of
wool and cotton

from above
serene flakes of
bright white
envelope me

i tighten up
and make the
journey to
memories.

to the gymnasium
stomping the
snow off my
shoes.

wrinkled faces
and rosy cheeks
on shredded cots
and wooden floor

spooning food
serving plates
walking through
tables of people

elated children
darting between
chairs and adults
simple joy

into the cold
night air
taking my breath
i remember

cold hands
and numb toes
aching stomach
anxious

thankful for
the respect and
empathy
that i now return

her eyes opened
before gold peeked in.
her back in knots
reaching for oval frames.
slurping hot coffee
and circling the paper.
she looks for
something better.

out the door
she lights another one
buries it in the ashtray.
traffic report.
news and weather.
she listens to others problems.

she pulls into her space
tossing another smoke
under her foot.
through another door
she puts on the apron
and takes a breath.

it’s reflex to her.
autopilot.
a blur of dishes
tips and stains.
she can’t stop.
people at booths
talking about their
problems.

she listens.

at the end of it all
numb feet and
blistered hands.
the return home.
the same problems
on the radio.
empty apartment.

she opens a book.
reads and
takes notes
in worn
spiral notebook.
glasses on her nose.

she slurps coffee.
knocks the hot red
into the ashtray.
she rubs her eyes
and remembers.
she’s always listened.

wrinkles on her mouth.
lines in her face.
she studies.
she knows it’s not too late.
she wants to help now
and not just listen.

rushed cheeks and

soft lingering pulses

uneven breath

sharp tight fingers

in skin

rolling bottom lips

tingling from the love

hot souls pressed against

their vulnerability

open mouths and minds

moments stop

minutes linger

hours pass and

it’s all the same

and new

vibrant love

waves of bright

and rushing bliss

then calm

relief and ache

for more

I could be at work, home, driving. I could be drowsy, alert, fidgety… doesn’t matter. it starts in my chest and immediately travels to my arms and down to my fingers. My head begins to go numb. My ears tingle. I have a feeling that escalates quickly from uneasiness to sheer unforgiving terror. My whole body is numb. I can’t shake it for 20 minutes or more… sometimes I wear myself out from my brain being in such an overload. I can’t make it go away. I can’t put my mind on other things.

I have been having these panic attacks since I was a kid. I remember being accused of starting a fight with my friend down the street. All I did was defend myself from lit matches to the knee and ear flicks. I cried in the entryway of our house… limp, crying and screaming that I didn’t start it. My head felt so numb I could’ve been hit with a shovel and felt nothing.

I don’t know why I get them- I don’t know what started them. I just know that I will have them for the rest of my life. For as laid back as I am, it’s odd that I am just at that line. Like the Incredible Hulk or something… the slightest thing could send me into an unwanted “freakout.”

i just can’t leave well enough alone. I tried to change my site… make it cool and neat; slick. But no. I screw up the formatting, the code… CSS and div tags be damned. Fixed.